"Have you heard about this phenomenon that keeps happening at Barack Obama rallies? Apparently women have been fainting. They're so taken by his speeches that they're passing out. Well, today it happened at one of Hillary's speeches, and luckily Bill ran into the crowd and gave her mouth to mouth."
--Jay Leno

"I like John McCain. He looks like the guy who gets frisky with the new waitress at IHOP. ... He looks like the guy who watches his Cadillac go through the car wash. ... He looks like the guy in the supermarket yelling into his cell phone, 'I'm in aisle three, Marge. I can't find the brownie mix.'"
--David Letterman

"Well, according to sources in Hillary's camp, Hillary Clinton says she is open to being Barack Obama's running mate. Here's my question: How can she ask him for a job when she won't admit he's the guy that's going to be doing the hiring?"
--Jay Leno

"During her speech last night, you know, Hillary kept referring to Barack as 'my friend, my friend.' You notice, every time she called Barack 'my friend,' she said it in the same tone as when she calls Bill, 'my husband.'"
--Jay Leno

"John McCain is now crisscrossing the United States campaigning. Or, as they're calling it, Antiques Roadshow."
--Jay Leno